Bored and Boring

This is for sure a very true description of me. I keep reliving the same old senerios over and over. My choices just don't seem to be right or sometimes I refuse to make any at all. I am living in constent fear mostly the fear of what my past choices have made our today lives. I don't know if can climb out of it, if there is enough time. Age has increased my insecurity and my self worth is at an all time low. This of course makes me look weak and needy, these are not exactly attractive traits to myself or anyone else espesially my wife. So I make the same mistakes and wrong choices, I cover up and lie about the things that make me feel the most insecure MONEY issues. This is at the top of my lack of self worth and it doesn't seem to change or get better. At this point my dear wife can't take it anymore and I don't blame her. She wants me to move out and get it together and prove I have changed. This just makes things worse and more complicated but being forced to do something is so much better then staying the same. So as it stands today I am snivling about the same things I did 20 years ago, if thats not boring I don't know what is. Well enough for now. See Ya Dave

Out to bid

Well this one really gets me. The City is putting our contract out to bid and it seems tho one
landscape manager doesn't like us. This is a bit disconcerting and I'm not sure there is much I
can do to change anything. So I don't know if there is much of a future with this company if we lose this contract. I am 54 and more then a little worried about what will happen, I had hoped to stay at this job for the next several years. Well life changes and I will roll with it, as so many people are finding out there are no guarantees.

A Tribute To A Good Dog

We love our dogs and they become part of our family and day to day life. All of them are special to us. We just laid to rest one of our great animals Dezzi (Princess Desdemona) we will surely miss her. She was a midsized black lab with a big square head she was kind of the runt in the litter, but perfect perportion and a thick otter tail. She was a sweetheart, she did have medical problems her whole life though. When we first got her home she had her first shots and soon after we took her in for her second ones. She still got a touch of parvo and we thought we were gonna lose her then. After that she never had a real heat cycle at all just a couple of light ones her whole life. She loved to run with Brian and swim in the pool she had a lot of good years she wanted to go where ever we went. She had a cat friend Shadow that just loved her from the first time they met, they would sleep together and the cat would always rub up against her it was so cool. Then Dezzi started acting wierd all hyped up so we just thought she was being a hyper dog.
Then one day Brian took her up on the mountain and she just went delirius and couldn't walk and come to find out she had diabetis, WHAT. So for a year and a half we have given her isulin and watched her diet and exersized her and she did pretty good but she did go blind that was very sad but she took it in stride and just kept being a dog. Toward the end she wouldn't eat or drink and the insulin wasn't working she lost all her weight and energy, it was tough to watch.
Dr. Lafferty was so kind to us and Dezzi right to the end she really cares. Anyway I loved that dog and know her dog soul is free now and she is sleeping next to Lady dog. I thank the Lord for giving us such a friend. If you don't like dogs I don't trust you. Good bye dear Dezzi.

Unforfilled Potential

Well it's a new year and things are the same. I am obviously not the man my wife had hoped I'd be. Hey I can only be me. I have made mistakes and some bad choices but I have always worked and always been faithful. I am looking at my family legacy and all I can see is unforfilled potential, my father, my brother, myself. This isn't what I want to pass on to my sons and daughter. I feel increasingly trapped in a financial and commercial spiral of consumerism. I don't want this stuff, I want peace and to do something of worth. I am pushed to make more money and support a lifestyle that is hollow and can never be enough. I just know there is something in me that can be great and help people and create a family legacy that will be positive. I just hate how the same old negative thoughts come into my head everytime things get stressful. Mary has decided long ago that to put me down and berate me is how she will relate to me. I don't know that anything I do will change this. I will push on and hope and pray for what's right to happen will happen. God give me strength and guidence to do what's right.

See Ya Dave

Coming To Grips With It

I know that my life is what I think it is. It is my thoughts that create my reality. I can think myself into a box and seem very limited. I should open up and think that all is possible, but I don't. I have let myself get complacent and comfortable, day to day life has become too easy to just accept. So if I really want more out of this life I must think my way there. Of course action will have to be taken also, but the thought is the genisis to everything. So this is a beginning part of this thought process. What do I want? Where do I want to be? What do I want to do? Who do

I want to be with? Who do I want to be? What really matters to me? Answering these type of questions is an ongoing and unending life quest, something that's never done and is always changing yet still must be at least attemted and not ignored. The years are going by so fast now and I keep procastinating with so many things I should do, would like to do, could do. I am going to keep some promises to myself and to my wife and to God. Will I do any of it? Well watch and see, your guess is as good as mine. My past actions are just that the past and they can't control me.

See Ya

What Do I Really Want To Do?

This is like THE question, isn't it, does anybody know their answer? I sometimes don't even know what I want to do one moment to the next, let alone into the distant future. I sense that most other people are kind of the same and if I am wrong I would sure like to pick their brains. Maybe there is some guidance I could glean from them or some nugget of real truth. I don't know yet it is always on my mind, what to do, what do I want? The old tried and true stock answers come to mind and just seem so superficial and boring. I am thinking that I need a complete paradigm shift a whole different way of seeing life that is it's own reward. I am just so tired of the same never ending race to hold on to the material things you have at the cost of giving up your limited time and energy, not to mention your soul. I miss myself, he is in reality a stranger and a mystery to me some one I long ago lost touch with. Is there an answer? I just don't know. I keep searching inside my own head and heart in hopes of meeting back up with that long lost friend that is me.

No No No vember

Yeah here it is the holiday rush and birthdays and Cathy's wedding and more and more $$$ going out, have it or not. Mary's car heater is leaking and more and more stress at home and at work. I just love this life I get so much out of it. I have exactly zero time to be myself or even explore what I am going to do in to the future. That's right I'm bitching like an old woman again
and I don't really give a shit.