God Is Giving Me What I Need

That's right I truly believe the Lord is there all the time and in our heads and our hearts is giving us what we need. Just what our subconscious wants and needs and it passes up our conscious self all together. This is why we get so screwed up all the time God is giving IT what IT needs and wants. Weird or what? There is that dark self in all of us and without us knowing or realizing it, IT controls us. It takes some really intense introspection, awareness and action to take control and communicate with God about what your enlightened self wants and needs. I know I let myself down in this for many, many years and let IT just run the show. I am becoming more aware and able to take some action, but no enough yet. Anyway this is sure taking a long time to figure out "a lifetime" and it hurt me sometimes. I am becoming more enlightened with each setback, so I guess that's the right direction.

Should I Live On A Boat?

Well what do you think? Anybody have experience doing just that, living on a boat? It's a 25 ft SeaRay Sundancer, has a head, galley, fore and aft cabins. Could keep it in the Delta as a second home when the wife doesn't want me around. I don't know it seems a bit crazy but then again I need to do something totally different.http://picasaweb.google.com/billvaca/BoatPic Take a look and see what you think. It has a little cosmetic stuff, the horn doesn't work and not too sure about the fridge. Motor and outdrive in very good shape, upholsery is OK. All the teak wood needs to be refinished and things like that. Has a canvas, but not the full back and sides. I just need something to do to take my mind off the day to day stresses and somewhere I can relax.
So what do ya think?

She's Thrown Me Out

Yep that right and I guess I'm suppose to be OK with it. I will do what I have to do and get my own place. I don't really want to live with a bunch of people I don't know. I don't have much choice at this point. Oh well that's what I get for being such a loner in my life even with my wife of 28 years. If I'm out of here I can't say where that will lead to.

Is Anybody Out There?

Here's a nice pond, now will anyone respond? Just one comment please.

I'm a frickin liar

That's right I'm a liar and I can't stand it anymore. I have always hid a part of me from anyone else for no real reason, even my dear wife. These lies, hiding and omitting have changed their focus over the years. Some examples are inappropriate sexual thoughts or activities, this was in the distant past, drug and alcohol use, distant past, financial issues and accumulated debt, the hear and now. I have deceived my wife about me incurring credit debt and not telling her or denying it if she asks. What an ass I've been, I don't blame her if she leaves me even after 28 years. My biggest lies are to myself and are the most damaging, it is a way to abdicate responsibility for myself or my actions. The French philosopher Sartre called it self deception and goes into detail about how destructive it really is. I have found out for myself and am very disappointed in me. Maybe I'm lying now. Oh crap! I can't even forgive myself let alone expect my wife to forgive me. Oh crap!

Stop The Negativity

At 53 there is still a lot for me to learn it kind of makes me mad at myself that it's taken so long. There I go starting with the negative, this is something I have to overcome. I read a lot of positve books and pray to God and be grateful for what a really potenially great life I do have. I just seem to sabatoge it with my head. I read something the other day and it said the biggest problem most of us have is "doubt in our heart" this is so very true of me. I doubt about everything and worry, worry, worry about some silly little someting that don't add up to nothing. I stole that last line from Tom Petty, if you didn't notice. My head or thoughts feed the doubt in my heart, I know this and I must constently monitor my thoughts to be positive. I know on many levels what I'm doing but it sure seems like a habitual way set in my head that keeps creeping in. I must limit my exposure to outside negative stimulis like too much tv news, newspapers and other negative people. I need to calm my mind and allow myself to be myself rather then someone others expect me to be. I know I am very intellegent and physiclly in great shape, the rest of the puzzle is attitude and perception. Let this happen God thank you.