The Bayliner was trashed

This could have been a great boat, less than 300 hrs on the motors and the engine room was way clean. The rest of the boat was used as a party house. Needed new carpet, upolstery, plumbing, the gauges were shot what a pity. They probably never pulled it out and cleaned or painted the bottom and who knows about the out drives. Anyway you could put $3K in it real fast, oh yeah all the canvas was gone too. Now I'm looking at a 25ft Sea Ray I hope it's as good as it sounds. This boat thing has got me. Oh well I guess I'll indulge myself. See Ya.

I Still Want To Live On A Boat

I guess it may sound a bit stupid but that's what I've been thinking. I keep finding really good deals on very nice live aboard boats of 28ft or more. There was one I think I missed out on it was a 32ft Bayliner Avanti. This was a yacht 1989 dual 350's and very modern looking for it's age all for $12K. That was a deal, a payment of about $300 a mo. and to rent a slip on Bethel Island another $300, not bad. There is another one for $7900 a 28ft Bayliner single 350 that I need to call about. All of them have full gally and head with shower. I think a lot of people just got the use they wanted out of the boats and just don't want to pay the upkeep and slip fees anymore. Of course the economy is squeezing a lot of people and their just selling everything. Life is seeming increasingly short and time more precious then ever. I am just more aware of it now for some reason, couldn't be I'm getting older, no way.

Boy Am I Eating Shit Now

I know, I know what a cry baby. I'm OK it's just that Mary's really going to make it rough on me this time. Hey I can't blame her for being pissed, but damn she won't let up for a second. I am opening up all my financials for her to see on a daily basis. I am in some ways glad to be at this point it makes us finally work together. We have been doing thing separate and on our own for most of our time together. I don't want to have to put on any airs or be prideful and cover up my insecurities and mistakes. I know it doesn't seem like it from some of my actions but I have always wanted and needed that very thing. The thing I've hidden from and felt guilty about my whole adult life, that I don't measure up to what I feel I should and have never even came close to reaching my true potential. This disappoints me and makes me feel like shit, so I've hidden it and acted like it's OK and I can handle it on my own. Well I can't and don't want to anymore. I hope it's not too late to mend things with Mary and also at least strive to reach some of my true potential. I will carry on, I will keep on working, I will keep on praying, I am always still learning and I am trusting in God.

SEE YA

Some Things Come and Some Go

It's a real rough time with Mary and I. She says she just doesn't care about me anymore. I have given her plenty of reason to feel that way. The whole lying about money thing over and over, it is a character flaw in me. I don't know if I can win her trust back this time. 30 years together and we have this in between us. I take full responsibility and accountability for this turmoil in our relationship. I don't want her to hurt anymore. I have taken steps to make this money thing right by making more money to pay off my extended credit, about $17K. I am being open on a daily basis on how money is being spent and brought in. She says a time limit, on what I'm not sure yet. The contractor thing just wasn't working I was just digging a bigger hole. So it's to a regular part time job to get this paid off and prove to Mary I can change. We are not young anymore and I still love her deeply and hope this works out. I want for her and for me to be content and have something to look forward to, together. I don't know if that will happen or not.

I Get What I Think About(Pray About)

This surely seems true, my thoughts, what I put my mind on expands and eventually comes to pass. Being aware of my thoughts and using them or dismissing them as need be is the real trick. I know I beat myself down and feel unworthy, why I don't know. This has been a very limiting issue in my life and time just keeps up it's unending march. I am right now acutely aware of so many negative thoughts on a continual basis, awareness is the beginning. I am stopping my limiting thoughts and moving on as if the negative doesn't exist. I only have now, at least here on this earth thank God for my faith that there is more. I am striving to be a more enlightened person and working to get closer to God. I am being honest to God, myself and everyone else. I am taking the first steps to the next level of this life, watch me go. I know that God answers prayers, maybe not always the answer we expect or want, but always the right answer. Thank you God.

Yes God Is Giving Me What I Need

I have 4 sons and 1 daughter. I love them all dearly. The 2 oldest boys, well men now are from my first relationship at a very young age, David 37 and Richard 36. The next 3 are mine and Mary's, Bruce 26, Brian 23 and dear sweet Amanda 21. I miss seeing them daily and got real depressed when Amanda moved out to college. For many years about 15 David has lived in Texas, got married has 2 daughters and we don't hardly know them. They just moved here to California only about 15 minutes away. I have been praying for this to happen for years, my prayers are answered. Thank You God. I want all my kids and grandkids together all at once.

Spend some holidays together. The next stage of life will be one of the best. Mary and I have got

issues that we are finally dealing with together. I am learning not to hide from her love and put on a false face of misguided pride. I will put it all out there, even if it's ugly and hard. I will not lie to Mary, anyone else, myself and especially God. He is giving me what I need to be closer to him through my family. To learn to be fully open and honest so I can be who I really am.

Thank You God.